M*A*S*H - Great Quotes

"I will not carry a gun, Frank. When I got thrown into this war I had a clear understanding with the Pentagon: no guns. I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!" - Hawkeye

"Frank, it's after six, you can stop being snotty!" - Henry

"I've got a soft spot for Klinger. He looks a little like my son, and he dresses a lot like my wife." - Colonel Potter

"I've eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish! I've eaten so much fish, I'm ready to grow gills! I've eaten so much liver, I can only make love if I'm smothered in bacon and onions" - Hawkeye

"Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice"
- Sidney Freedman

"Boy seeing the way you guys work with the wounded, the way you deal with burned up legs, ripped up bellies. Makes me proud every time I throw up." - Klinger

"I'm sick of hearing about the wounded. What about all the thousands of wonderful guys who are fighting this war without any of the credit or the glory that always goes to those lucky few who just happen to get shot." - Frank

"Look, all I know is what they taught me at command school. There are certain rules about a war and rule number one is young men die. And rule number two is doctors can't change rule number one." - Henry

"I don't think this place is turning out to be that great an experience for me. I mean I work under terrible pressure and everything and there's a lot of death and destruction and stuff but outside of that I don't think I'm really getting much out of it." - Radar

"Don't mind Pierce and Hunnicutt, they're both first rate surgons. Sure, they'll show up to role call in their bathrobes. They keep a still in their tent. Once they ran all my underwear up the flagpole. But I want you to understand it's an honor to serve with these men." - Margaret

"What happens in the event that figure 'A' is attracted to figure 'B' and wants to get married. But figure 'A' is already married to figure 'C' and figure 'B' is engaged to figure 'D' but figure 'A' can't keep his hands of figure 'B' because she's got such a great figure." - Trapper

"Frank, your message service called. Your brain won't be ready for a week."
- Trapper

"You've gotta understand I'm not working on sick people here. I'm working on hurt young people, with essentially healthy bodies that have been insulted by ammunition."
- B.J.

"I'd sooner share my toothbrush with a Democrat." - Charles

"It was a great war until you guys showed up!" - Frank